Did you see Belle in the Get Em Girls e-mail blast? Much love to Shakara
I haven't done this in awhile. I don't know why. I encounter some hilarious people. If I ever write fiction, I'm incorporating these lines into the narrative. These people have quick wit and/or no self censor. I still find it odd that people think of me funny when they read the blog. I'm not used to it, I suppose. I'm by far not the funny one in my crews or for that matter anywhere I go. I'm usually considered the too serious one.
Anyway, more snapshots of my Brooklyn life. I hope you find these as hilarious (or random) as I did.
*"White girls are the shit!" -a Black man YELLING this as he walked down a Bed Sty street
*"Sitting on the couch, juggling my nuts like Chinese balls and watching King Kong."-- a man's (over) detailed response to 'what are you doing?' (and folks wonder why I don't date him. LOL!)
*"Stop all that yelling! This aint Harlem!"- a man in a 300 deep line at the US Weekly Kanye party to a woman who was way too obnoxious in trying to get the attention of the doorman.
* Madiba owner (pointing to a woman): That's Hope. She has a sister named Faith and another named Change.
Bartender: No shit?
Owner: Yah, (they're Afrikan. They have accents) really.
Bartender: (without missing a beat)They should have a brother named Obama
*Me: Me and him? We could so get married and live happily ever after.
Her: You know he's going back to Africa at some point, right?
Me: Your point?
Her: You'd be known as Obi's white wife.... who can't make curry goat. You're saying you'd be okay with that?"
*"Her? Never had sex, but she let me dry hump her one night in 94." -XXX giving the backstory about an attractive woman across the room.
"Hot chocolate is that hot in hood?"-- Patent, upon hearing that the hot chocolate story set a new daily hits record for the site. (It was broken a week later with the legends post.)
*"If my dick could talk, it would call me stupid."- My "brother" (king of the one liners.)
* "If you're going to throw a pity party, I can help you promote it."- , a lawyer/ event planner, responding to my self-indulgent woe-is-me blog. (We had to part ways for various reasons, but damn if I don't miss that wit.)
*"OMG! I'm convinced God loves us more than anyone else." -Patent calling with more good news. Fact: We dream it. Then we live a better version of it. He's convinced this doesn't happen to everyone.
*Him: When your biological clock starts to tick, remember me. I have good genes.
Me: I'm a rolex, baby. No ticks. ;-)
*Him: (clueless mofo) When I'm with a woman, the first two orgasms are all about me.
Me: Ugh! A pussy should swallow you whole... then burp.
*"Pump your breaks shorty, you're in the wrong lane." --JayHov shutting down a chick who thought he was trying to holler when he most certainly was not.
*(Picture Eddie Murphy as The Sexual "Chocolate dude when you read this.) "Gotdamn you look good, D. Just got the girls all out. It's like my birthday. Happy birthday to me!" -- XXX , 3 seconds after being introduced to my new suitor and standing less than two feet away from him. This dude was born without a self censor button.
*"She's an anteater. You heard it here first." -- JayHov, describing a woman he'd encountered who he found particularly unattractive.
*Her to Him: I start coaching kids basketball today!!! I went out and bought my coach's whistle this afternoon. XXXX, I'll be using on you for all of your FOULS [like when you say] "So I was working today..."
*WHISTLE!!!! "Technical Foul...No Proof of Job. 2 shots."- XXXX to a dude in my crew who we swear 'ain't got no job' ala Tommy on Martin. (He's an image consultant and works from home. His day starts around 2PM.)