Lewis Williams over at ihustlenation.com puts up this YouTube video back in September. Somehow it lights up the Internet yesterday when Necole Bitchie (*e-hugs*) picks up on it, then it lands on my other favorite website (it’s a secret.) Here’s the backstory from what I can gather: Williams puts a status update on his Facebook page that reads: “If you’re not married, you’re single.” His readers go nuts at what that implies, and he makes an informative 9 minute video breaking it down. (I hope you like the format. I'm seriously considering converting all the blogs to video to cut down on time.)
WATCH VIDEO (cause I can’t figure out how to embed on this site yet.) I had a similar idea for this topic long ago, but never wrote it because I found a post by BrownSugar28 aka The Single Black Woman and she wrote about it better than I ever could. (Search it on her site or mine.) My story would have started something like “there’s certain ish I don’t do in a relationship because my mother and grandfather told me not to act like the wife if I am not the wife.” Of course, I don’t live by all that entails, but most of Williams' list I was good on. A couple things threw me though (we’ll discuss that in the comments.)
Anyway, after that I would have gone into the story about my ex and I discussing me moving in with him to the condo he'd just bought and me insisting that my name go on the deed (I will not live anywhere other than my parents' house where my name is not on the official papers .) So my ex goes and talks to his lawyer and all these documents have to be drawn up and signed blah, blah, blah to get my name on his place. It's a headache and hassle.
I tell my mother, who'd been married almost 30 years at that point, the problems we're running into and she says: "that's easy. you know what document would easily solve this?
Me: (25, dumb and curious): Yes, Mommy?
Mommy: A marriage licencse.
In case you have no intention of watching the video or are on your phone, these are Williams’ assertions (Thanks, Bitchie, for the summary):
*If you’re sexually involved with someone and you’re not married, you’re screwing yourself over.
*The real problem with women in relationships is that they are doing marital acts with their man and they are not married.
Examples of Marital Acts:
* Exchanging keys to the apartment
*Laying up under each other for hours at a time (okay on occasion, but not on a regular basis.)
*Putting things in each other’s name and you are not married (car, cell phones, etc)
*Sex without a condom
*You call him your hubby or wife. Bad words for a relationship are “my wifey,” “my Boo,” “my anything.” If you are not married to it, he/ she is not yours. [it occurred to me while watching the video, this may be why my mother has never referred to any of my boyfriends as such. She always calls them "[Belle's] friend.]
*You are playing house. (i.e. Cleaning up their house, cooking etc...)
*Moving in or shacking up. “Shaking up is bullshit. That’s something people do on TV that doesn’t make no sense. Why would you move in with someone without getting married? Don’t assume that just because you will move in with this dude, he’ll eventually marry you. It doesn’t work that way.”
Why You Should Not Commit Marital Acts
When you do these type of marital acts, you are giving a person the opportunity to use you up. They are getting the most out of you already so “why would they marry you?”
What You Should Do In A Relationship
*You should commit with a timeline. Commit for three months, then sit and assess if it’s working and where you two are going.
Why This Is Necessary
*Some of you missed out on the person you were supposed to be with dealing with someone you weren’t supposed to be with.
Oddly enough, I was reading Bitchie's comments and there were requests (via Commenter Tate) to add "Having a baby by someone you are not married to. I always tell people, marriage is a lot less permanent than a child…it only takes 6 months to end a relationship in divorce, but a child is a lifelong connection to a person you probably wont even like in 9 months."
It's a worthy add. What else should be on the list?